Swimmingly
by TheTuneEndsTooSoonForUsAll
Summary: Journalist Lizzy Bennet had a list of traits required for her ideal boyfriend. This the story of how the person she least expected to match the list, does. P&P Modernization. Formerly 'The List'
1. Introduction

When Miss Elizabeth Bennet was in her freshman year of high school, her first-ever boyfriend of four months and sixteen days had broken up with her, and left her for her best friend. (That was the end of _that_ friendship.) In a heartbroken haze, Lizzy had taken a purple glitter pen into hand, and scrawled a list in her spiral-bound notebook. It was the beginning of the boyfriend list. It would evolve into something like this:

-No smoking, drugs, or excessive alcohol.

-Must like me for who I am, and not constantly try to mold me into his vision of the ideal woman.

-Must not violate my constitutional rights. Any of them.

-Must love my family and be loved by them. Also needs to accept my strong familial bonds.

-Must accept my messiness.

-Must be financially stable. I'm not a gold digger; I just don't want to be paying for his to sit on his ass all day. And none of his traits should line up with the to ten ways to spot a con artist. (ie. Shady family background)

-Must want children eventually.

-Must be quirky. (Doesn't care about little things.)

-Must be nice. Not necessarily running around tossing money to the poor, but nice.

-He needs to like me. No more unrequited love drama.

-Needs to have siblings. Single children are just too spoiled.

-Lets me call the shots. Doesn't try to get into my pants on the first date.

-No players. I want a faithful guy.

-Must tell me I'm good looking after my morning run. That way, I'll know he likes me for reasons that aren't superficial.

-I must not be his 'everything'. He needs to have a life besides me.

-Needs to enjoy conversing with me. Not simply making out full time.

-Must not know about the list before I fall in love with him.

The piece of lined paper was soon riddled with check marks of different colors, each signifying a different boyfriend or crush. Items on the list would be crossed out or added as Lizzy changed and matured. Eventually, the list became a Word file on her computer, and whenever a boyfriend came along, she would type his name as the title, and keep a printout of her list in her purse for reference. If the guy didn't line up with all the traits described in the list within two months, Lizzy would break up.

The only person on the planet who knew about the list was Lizzy's eldest sister Jane. Jane was Lizzy's best friend and roommate (they shared a small apartment in a sleepy, Southern Californian collage town.) Jane was one of those classic beauties; with her blonde hair, and sun-kissed complexion, she was never in need of male attention. Lizzy harbored no jealousies, mainly because her sister was, in her opinion, the one person who deserved such looks. Jane was sweet and selfless, if slightly naïve.

Lizzy's younger siblings called her insane and picky, and her mother was forever lamenting that, with her 'condition' (which Lizzy had long since discovered was nothing but a severe case of hypochondria), she would never see all of her daughters happily married. According to her, Lizzy was selfishly depriving her mother of happiness by refusing to settle with the first man she encountered. Lizzy had long since stopped minding her mother's impertinent comments.

Lizzy's family was a peculiar one. She had four siblings: all girls. Lizzy came after Jane, the eldest. After Lizzy came Mary, a quiet, sulky sort of girl in her junior year of collage. Mary had yet to come to terms with the fact that, as beautiful as her piano playing was, her singing voice left much to be desired ("In the form of earplugs," Kitty had once grumbled.) Which brings us to Katharine, called Kitty. Kitty was outgoing, yet plain, and was endlessly seeking some of her twin sister Lydia's limelight. Lydia, who resembled Jane with her beach-blonde hair and dazzling blue eyes, was the poster girl for teens. She went through guys like Kleenex, and she was always the center of drama at the high school.

Lizzy's parents also contributed to the family's oddities. Mr. Bennet was an author, but never wrote anything that got much attention. He did some freelance journalism in his spare time, but mostly spent his days reading or working on a mysterious new 'project'. Because Mrs. Bennet hadn't be fond of the precocious adolescent Lizzy, Mr. Bennet had taken under the task of being her primary caregiver. He coached her softball teams, and had passed on all of his writing tricks to when she was in grade school.

Mrs. Bennet was the polar opposite of her husband. She had never had a collage education, and had rather shallow and superficial values. Jane, Lizzy, Mary, and Mr. Bennet had long since stopped taking her very seriously, and, with the exception of Mary, simply brushed off her meaningless rants. (Mary had a tendency to get extremely irked by said rants, and would have to go spend a few hours dissecting some Chopin to make herself feel better.)

Our story beings, on a beautiful Sunday morning, with Lizzy on her weekly visit to her parent's house, when Mrs. Bennet makes and startling announcement.

* * *

Author's Note: Yet another Pride And Prejudice Modernization. Let's all sigh, and wonder why yet another author had degraded herself so. (I'm assuming that no guys have written a modernization on Fanfiction. I've only come across one guy who didn't stare blankly at me when I mentioned the title of the book.)

I am determined to make a statement, however. I have noticed something about all the Pride an Prejudice modernizations I've read: In each of them, Darcy is the one entirely at fault, and changes to meet Lizzy's standards. In reality, Darcy was really this awesome guy, Lizzy just judged him.

Obviously, I'm going to fix that. This is going to be true blue to the plotline (No funny twists, or bits left out.)

Also, any reasonable complaints or the like may be sent to me via PM or review; whatever you prefer. I'm hoping to get the next chapter up soon, but I'm making no promises about update speed.

Thanks for reading!

Love,

Salvation ala mode.


	2. Netherfield Has Let At Last!

Lizzy had a ritual whenever she entered her parent's house. She would dash out of her car and up onto the front porch as quickly and soundlessly as possible (a task that required several Mission Impossible-ish maneuvers that greatly interested the neighbors on a regular basis.) She would open and quietly close the front door, then tiptoe into her father's study (avoiding the creaky floorboard) and have a nice long chat with him before her mother or one of her sisters discovered her presence. Up to this day, her record was only fifteen minutes. This routine did nothing, really, except give Lizzy time to catch up with her beloved father, and a thrill that excellently curbed her desire to rediscover her childhood in a game of Hide and Seek.

On this particular afternoon, Lizzy burst into her father's office, with a delighted whoop, having made it thus far without being caught. Or so she thought. Her father's bemused smiled was joined by a rather strange look from her mother who was uncharecteristically present in her father's study.

"Oh, am I interrupting something?" Lizzy asked innocently, biting her lip to keep from laughing. Her father appeared to be doing the same, and she shot him a playful glare.

Mrs. Bennet blinked, revealing purple-shadowed eyelids. "Oh no, dear, I was just telling you father about how someone's finally rented Netherfield. It's going to be terribly exciting, having new neighbors!" She turned to Mr. Bennet. "Oh won't you go and take them a plate of my cookies?"

"My love, if they've rented out Netherfeild I'm quite certain that they are not at a loss for cookies." Mr. Bennet was referring to the size of the house, which was very large, even by Southern California's standards. The rent on the house had been fairly high, if Lizzy remembered correctly. "Even ones as delicious as yours."

"But it's now about whether they have cookies, it's about hospitality."

"My dear, it is not like you to be hospitable. Actually, I do believe that you heard from Mrs. Lucas that the house was rented out by two men who appear to be rather dashing and very single." Mr. Bennet smirked. "Our acquaintance with them would ensure an invitation to dinner, or at the very least, tea, which we would drag the girls along to and parade in front of these poor men." Lizzy now understood why her mother was so intent that cookies be delivered to Netherfield.

Mrs. Bennet pouted. "I can't help it if I want to live to see my grandbabies."

"Mother, let's take a trip back to when you first gave me and Jane the 'birds and the bees' talking in fifth grade-"

"Let's not..." Mr. Bennet muttered with a wince.

Lizzy ignored her father. "It started out with, 'when two people love each other veeeeerrrrry much...' Me and Jane-"

"Jane and I." Mrs. Bennet cut in.

"Jane and I," Lizzy continued doggedly, "have simply not found someone we love veeerrrry much. Don't think that we're deliberatly witholding the prospect of grandbabies from you as revenge for missing our piano recitals."

"That was only once, lizzy-" Mrs.Bennet began.

Mr. Bennet cut in, saying, "They're quite charming men, actually, the new neighbors. Delighted with the cookies. The cook they hired isn't going to be in until Thursday, and none of them are culinary inclined."

Mrs. Bennet donned her goldfish expression in shock. She soon recovered enough to squawk, "Mr. Bennet! Toying with my nerves with my condition! You mean that you've already _been_ to see the new tenants?"

"Yes, my dear. That is what you wanted isn't it?" Mr. bennet grinned cheekiliy at his wife.

Lizzy could feel an argument brewing, and was about to make a diversion to prevent it, when one occurred for her. Her cell phone rang in an odd sort of techno melody. She glanced at the caller ID as two pairs of eyes flashed towards her. "Jane." She muttered, flipping the phone open.

"What's up?" She asked.

"Lizzy, I have a favor to ask of you." Jane sounded harried.

"Okay…" Lizzy was slightly wary.

"Can you pick up my dress at the dry cleaners? The restaurant's slammed and Chelsea's ill, so I'll be home later today." Jane worked as a line chef in a local gourmet restaurant, and could never say 'no' when someone called in sick and the restaurant needed help.

Lizzy snatched a pen off her father's desk and scribbled a note to herself on her forearm. "Okay. What's the dress for?"

Jane let out an exasperated sound. "Lizzy, the dance? At community center? Don't tell me you forgot."

"I forgot. I'll be ready though, I'll leave now."

"Okay. Tell Mom and Dad hi for me."

"Will do." Lizzy snapped the phone shut. "Jane says hi. She needs me to do some errands, so I gotta run."

She kissed her father on the forehead, and pecked her mother's cheek, as the older woman asked, "Wait, what did you forget? Dearest, where are you going tonight?"

"Bye!" Lizzy called, halfway out the door.

* * *

Fitzwilliam Darcy was in hell. He was in a hot, stuffy community center with linoleum that appeared to be older than the old man sitting in the corner chewing on his dentures. It was hot, stuffy, and filled with girls who were eyeing him like a pack of lions eyeing a juicy steak. Needless to say, this was a rather uncomfortable situation. The arrival of Caroline Bingly didn't improve the situation.

"Are you having fun, Fitz?" She asked, placing a hand on his arm. Caroline Bingly resembled a bird; her face had a pinched look to it, and her noe was to big. She also had a fondness for excessive feathered jewlery. "The people here are so quaint!"

"It's the suburbs." Growled Darcy. "_Everything's_ quaint in the suburbs."

She laughed, and swatted his arm with her perfectly manicured hand. "Of course not, silly goose. Haven't you ever seen Desperate Housewives?"

"I'm afraid to say that I haven't." Will was trying to devise a way to get that hand off his arm without being rude. Though, maybe being rude to Caroline would get her to back off.

Darcy scanned the room for Charlie, Caroline's brother as well as Darcy's business partner and comrade. Charlie was across the large room, cup of punch in hand, laughing and talking with a pretty blonde girl. Although she was smiling and laughing, her body language told Will that she was uncomfortable. Her hands were clasped in front of her body, and one leg was crossed over the other, and whenever Charlie would take a gulp of punch, she would discreetly glance around the room, as though she were waiting for someone. Her hands toyed nervously with her simple, casual, blue dress that fitted her well.

Suddenly, an olive-skinned woman with dark hair pulled into a ponytail appeared next to the blonde. A red dress swished around her knees, and she wore black patent flats, despite the fact that she was very petite, and could affored heels.

* * *

Lizzy tugged at Jane's arm. "Sorry to interrupt," She said, smiling at the mysterious man who had been talking to her sister, "But I have your cell. You left it on the counter. The cookies are delicious, like they always are, so you can stop fretting, but there's a guy in the corner over there's who'd giving you a rather nasty look."

Jane craned her neck to see in the direction that Lizzy had gestured. The man, who Jane had previously been talking to, laughed. He had a nice laugh, Lizzy decided.

"That's just Fitz Darcy. He's sleep deprived but I made him come anyway. I'll introduce you if you want." It was then that he seemed to realize that he hadn't been introduced to Lizzy. "Oh, I'm Charlie Bingly by the way. You are?"

"Lizzy Bennet. I'm Jane's sister." She smiled and shook his hand. "So, are you visiting someone in Hillmont?"

"Nah, me and Fitz are renting out Netherfield." Lizzy did a double-take.

"Oh. Then you met my father, Mr. Bennet? My mother sent him down with some cookies earlier." Jane remarked shyly. Lizzy bit back a chuckle at the though of her parent's earlier conversation.

Charlie's face brightened in recognition. "Oh yeah! He's cool. And those cookies were awesome."

'Easiest way to a man's heart,' Lizzy thought, 'is through the stomach. Jane's got it made.' Lizzy soon left the couple chatting happily. She spotted Charlotte, the sisters' friend.

"Hey Char, how're you?" Lizzy asked as they embraced.

Charlotte smoothed her hair back with one hand, her mousy roots glaring in the fluorescent lights, while the other clutched her purse. "Hey you. I'm fine. How do I look?"

"Don't fish for compliments, dear, it's not becoming." Lizzy tried to sidestep that question, especially with plain Charlotte.

"Who's the cutie that Jane's seducing?"

Lizzy laughed at the though of her meek and mild sister seducing anyone. "He's the guy that just moved into Netherfield."

Charlotte's eyes widened. "No way! He's loaded!"

"Really?" Lizzy asked. She was surprised; Charlie hadn't acted like he had money.

"Yeah. He and some other guy are the heads of some big enterprise or something." Charlotte went on to describe where she had gotten this information, and what connections this guy had. Lizzy was only half-listening. That Fitz guy was glaring at her sister again. Lizzy was becoming annoyed.

Charlotte got asked to dance, leaving Lizzy feeling rather lonely. Suddenly, Charlie's voice pierced the cacophony of talk around her. "Fitz, what's the matter? Aren't you having fun?"

A low voice muttered, "Sorry Charlie, but this isn't my idea of fun."

"Well you're not dancing. Find someone and dance with them." Charlie was extremely upbeat. Lizzy assumed he had had a few glasses of the alcoholic punch.

"You're dancing with the only pretty girl in the room, besides your sister. And dancing with Caroline would only encourage her."

"What about Jane's sister, Lizzy? She's not bad looking, and she was very friendly when I talked to her."

"Sorry, Charlie, there's not enough liquor in the punch to make me dance with her." Lizzy choked at Darcy's words. She glanced behind her to where Darcy and Charlie's voices had come from, to see that neither of them noticed her little coughing fit.

* * *

A few hours later, after most of the people at the party had left, Charlotte among them, Lizzy was standing with Jane, Charlie, Fitz, and Caroline. Or rather, Fitz and Caroline stood while the others cleaned up.

"Fitz, you didn't dance with me tonight." Caroline bemoaned, in a tone very similar to a whine.

"He didn't dance with anyone tonight." Charlie pointed out.

"Damn!" Lizzy exclaimed, out of the blue. "Next time, Jane, add some more vodka to the punch so that Mr. Darcy can find someone pretty enough to dance with."

"Lizzy!" Jane prodded her with her elbow. Lizzy's gaze flitted to Darcy, who looked surprised, bu otherwise unabashed. Caroline looked scandalized, and Charlie turned pink with embarrassment.

* * *

"Thanks for making me come to the party." Lizzy yawned, and her jaw cracked. They were driving home after the party.

"It was fun wasn't it?" Jane was in a similar state of weariness.

Lizzy elbowed Jane. "It's easy to have fun when you have cute guys," She teased.

"Mmm." Jane was too tired to make a witty retort. "Charlie's nice."

"He's obviously into you." Lizzy remarked, shifting in the car seat so that her seat belt didn't cut into her neck.

"How do you know?" Jane asked. It wasn't accusatory or sarcastic, simply a question.

Lizzy yawned again. "Everyone likes you, Jane."

"What was that comment about Mr. Darcy all about? He seemed okay to me." That was Jane; determined to find the best in everyone. Lizzy explained the conversation she had overheard. "How horrid!" Jane exclaimed, taking a full 360 from her former attitude.

'How horrid indeed,' Lizzy thought.

* * *

When she had gotten home, and into her Betty Boop pajama pants (a present from Lydia) Lizzy logged on to her computer to check her e-mail. Just for fun, she opened 'The Boyfriend List.' She liked to go over it every once and a while, out of habit.

Lizzy's thoughts strayed back to Mr. Darcy, and his cold comments. She chuckled typed in, "Mr. Darcy" in the title, and printed the list out.

"-No smoking, drugs, or excessive alcohol."

Lizzy drew a circle in the space before that one. She was fairly sure that Mr. Darcy enjoyed alcohol too much, as suggested by his comment about her.

"-Must like me for who I am, and not constantly try to mold me into his vision of the ideal woman."

Lizzy snorted, and drew a circle next to that one, too.

"-Must not violate my constitutional rights. Any of them."

'Insulting me doesn't fall under that category.' She thought, but skipped it. She had only just met the guy, and there was still pleanty of time to deny her life, liberty, or the persuit of happiness.

"-Must love my family and be loved by them. Also needs to accept my strong familial bonds."

She chuckled at the thought of Darcy with her mother, and drew a circle around that one, too.

"-Must accept my messiness."

Remembering his cleanly pressed blue shirt and crisp dress slacks, Lizzy drew yet another circle.

"-Must be financially stable.""

She grudgingly checked this one off. According to Charlotte, Darcy was just as loaded as Charlie.

"-Must want children eventually."

Lizzy pictured Darcy with toddlers running in circles around his knees and smirked. Circle.

"-Must be quirky."

Without hesitation, Lizzy drew another circle.

"-Must be nice."

Ditto for this one.

"-He needs to like me."

Circle.

"-Needs to have siblings."

Lizzy didn't think he had siblings, and he most certainly didn't act like a single child. She drew another circle.

"-Lets me call the shots. Doesn't try to get into my pants on the first date."

She skipped it, just to be safe.

"-Must not be a player."

'He's rich.' Lizzy thought, as she shaped another circle. 'Rich men are rarely faithful.'

"-Must tell me I'm good looking after my morning run. That way, I'll know he likes me for reasons that aren't superficial."

She drew a circle. His comment proved him to be a rather shallow person.

I"- must not be his 'everything'. He needs to have a life besides me."

She skipped this one, again, for lack of information.

"-Needs to enjoy conversing with me."

Lizzy left it blank as well.

"-Must not know about the list before I fall in love with him."

She skipped this one as well.

Lizzy glanced over the page. She counted all the circles as minus one, and all the checks as plus one, the blanks not counting for anything. The total came out to be negative ten. 'A dismal score.' Lizzy thought, and switched off the light.

* * *

Author's Note: There's a glimpse of Darcy. He's a bit of an ass in this chapter, but he'll get better.

Don't expect me to update this fast. This was actually a bit of a fluke.

Thank you for all your marvelous reveiws!

But now I'm exhausted, and everything's starting to go blurry, so I'm going to quit while I'm kind of ahead.

Thanks again for reading!

Love,

Salvation Ala Mode


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